“Perpetual Courtship,” a chapter title in Worshipping Your Wife, could easily serve as the book’s title. “PC” is pretty much what “wife worship” is all about. As Fumika Misato says on her Real Women Don't website, “This is a marriage in which your husband courts you until death do you part.”
But when I say “perpetual courtship,” does that mean the suitor’s goal is never to be reached? Is the lady to be endlessly wooed, never won?
My answer is that yes, there is a goal, and yes, she is to be won—over and over again. Why not slay a dragon-a-day to prove your mettle?
But there’s another way to look at this ongoing courtship, especially for husbands whose wives are initially unreceptive to the notion of a female-led relationship, as presented. It’s “stealth courtship,” often termed “stealth submission.”
Without a word to his wife, the stealthy husband-suitor begins incrementally and unilaterally taking on household chores, giving her more respect, paying attention to her whims and wishes, buying her special gifts, complimenting her, etc.
He begins practicing, in other words, many of the behaviors I codified into my book’s “Six Steps for Turning Marriage Back Into Passionate Courtship.”
The husband needs to:
1. Realize that "the thrill is gone" and that he wants to get it back.
2. Save his sex energies for his wife.
3. Make her his fantasy.
4. Court her every day, attempt to win her anew.
5. Pamper her and pitch in around the house.
6. Dare to be known by her.
The problem with such courtship, or “stealth submission,” according to Ken and Emily Addison of the Around Her Finger book and blog, is that it’s not sustainable. The Addisons seem adamant that wife and husband need to affirm to each other at the outset that they are formally entering an FLR, not by tacit consent, but by mutual agreement. Most critically, the wife needs to assert her authority over her husband and her new status as head of the household, and the husband needs to acknowledge and accept this, going forward.
That’s a bit like saying courtship can't be sustained if the girl doesn’t say “yes” to the first proposal. How many marriages would never have come to pass if the guy gave up at the first “no”? Old-time Fuller Brush salesmen were trained to get past three, four, five, even six “no’s” at the front door and still close a sale. Can a suitor do less to make the sale of his life?
So, yes, the recommendation here is for a second courtship of one’s wife or girlfriend, not only with the idea that she must be won anew, but that she must be assiduously courted by a new suitor, a new “you.” With the idea that, ultimately, she will fall in love with that new you.
A little weird, yes, and like the Addisons say, hard to keep up day after day, perhaps with little encouragement. But if it is sustained, stealth courtship can prevail. A wife, initially skeptical (“Is this guy really my Fred, or some Alien Replicant?”), can learn to love being treated like a queen, can fall in love all over again with a different version of her husband. She can and likely will gradually grow comfortable with having more and more power in the relationship, where her wishes are supreme, her decisions are final and domestic tranquility prevails.
In romantic obsession, the would-be wife worshipper usually outstrips any “vanilla” suitor, including himself the first time around. As Misato informs interested wives, “You will find that this new relationship goes far beyond the courtship that you experienced when dating.”
Enough theory. Here it is in practice. In fact, here is the best example I have ever come across, as described by “fdhdousehusband” in his now sadly defunct blog, herhousehusband’s life (with all fd’s idiosyncratic upper- and lower-casings preserved):
my Wife fell in love with a man who to Her appeared very vanilla. When i told Her of my submissiveness by showing Her a copy of WHAP magazine, She rejected it. i then had to convince Her that this was who i was and to make Her fall in love with a different person, the submissive me.
i had to convince Her that i was truly a submissive because what would happen if She fell in love with the new me and i suddenly turned back into my vanilla self? To convince Her that i was a submissive took years of dedication to housework, child rearing and pampering without any thought of reward. i did the chores cheerfully and enthusiastically. i convinced Her that this was my life, i was happy in that role and i didn't want anything in return. Yet, each time i failed and became lazy i felt that i took several steps backward for both of U/us. i was moving from one equilibrium to another and i needed to be perfect, not anything in between, not just sometimes.
After She was convinced that i was who i claimed to be, i needed to try to get Her to fall in love with that new me. i listened to Her, i watched everything She did. i praised Her in public before our friends. i did hundreds of little things without asking. i brought Her flowers. i watched Her routines and tried to do things before She had to do them. i never criticized Her for anything. Her way of doing things became my way of doing things. This new me had to win Her over all over again…
She became comfortable with the new me and we fell in love all over again. i still view sex with Her as a gift and She has become more and more dominant both in the bedroom and outside. And the rest as they say is Herstory.
Note, that fd does not downplay the difficulty of sustaining this courtship. It “took years of dedication” and he “needed to be perfect, not anything in between, not just sometimes.”
My second example, of a wife falling in love with a new version of her husband, is told from the woman’s point of view. It appears in the blog Giving Up Control -- Female Led Life, which is cowritten by wife (Ladyof7, “Lo7”) and husband (kept by 7, “Kb7”). Here is Ladyof7's version:
I have come to "prefer" the submissive edge to Kb7 over the vanilla Kb7. Who wouldn't love a husband who has you sitting upon a pedestal catering to your every whim, and agreeing with everything you say without a question? Don't get me wrong, the vanilla Kb7 is who I fell in love with to begin with, but someone better has come along so to speak. I have fallen out of love with the vanilla Kb7 and fell very much in love with the new life I have with Kb7…
I am having fun with lifestyle I have become committed to, and I wonder if we can continue on with this forever…
This, by the way, is the courtship path that I have also pursued, even more incrementally and circuitously than fd describes. Alas, I have been far less consistent in my efforts. But, as I think I have mentioned before, when I look at the way we are now, my wonderful wife and I, and the way we were when this all started, it is clear that all those hesitant baby steps have led me deep and irrevocably into the Queendom of Matriarchy.