Faithful reader “Tony” (commenting on dennis’ GiftSuggestions for the Domesticated Man): “Some of us keep our WLM quiet confidential; while others, like ALL HERS and dennis, are not shy about revealing their wife’s power and control. For myself, this has been a gradual experience of sharing with others. I look at it as educational as well. The more other women see and observe the manner in which I show my respect to my Wife and serve Her, the more they want to learn ‘Her secret.’ We are discreet, but some in her family know, her daughters know, and they have been present when I have had to kneel to listen and to properly give thanks for Her attention and criticism. A few of Her female work associates also know, and two have begun to impose WLM rules at home. It’s a slow process, but worthwhile and helpful to others to see and learn.”dennis responds:
Thank you for your wonderful response, tony. You beautifully articulate so many good points. Revealing Female authority, or “coming out” with a Female Led Rrelationship, is indeed very important for a number of reasons, a few of which you have cited. As you say, revealing the Wife’s authority is indeed “a slow process, but worthwhile and helpful to others to see and learn.”
Couples are different and so reveal the Wife’s authority in different ways – some earlier in the relationship and some later. What is important is that Her authority is revealed in a timely manner to an ever-widening group of family, close friends, work associates, and so on. This, we find from our workshops, serves to solidify the couple’s relationship and encourages others who, as you say, “want to learn Her secret.”
Nancy and i have conducted workshops, usually for Women who’ve made a decision to pursue an FLR. A few things we’ve learned about coming out with Female authority:
It’s never too early to divulge the nature of a relationship. She may want to immediately confide in Her Mother, Sister, Aunt, or Girlfriends and ask their advice on establishing the rituals and courtesies so important to an FLR. These Women will not only help the new Head of Household but will spread the word about the couple’s situation through the family and beyond. This is important since it sets expectations when family and friends socialize with the couple.
She should have rules, work responsibilities, and rituals that She can put in place the moment the couple agrees on an FLR. This serves to formalize Her authority and provide the husband with ways of acknowledging that authority. His wearing an apron, kneeling in front of Her, bowing, curtsies, kissing Her hand on demand, addressing Her as Ma’am, are all devices that can be used. She should make it clear to him that behaviors She prescribes are 24/7, no matter who may be visiting.Some Women have used a variation on the “at home” announcementsthat a new Bride often uses to communicate Her new address. In the case of an FLR She may elect to use a small announcement card to inform friends and family that She is now Head of Household. It will get conversations going and allow Her to bring family and friends into their new situation. Examples of such announcements we’ve seen are elegant, even regal!
Revealing Her authority isn’t just for the home; it has to take place in public situations, too. These should be unobtrusive but convey an unmistakable message. For example, he takes Her arm and walks slightly behind Her, She orders for him at a restaurant, She selects the wine, She tells, not asks, etc. Additionally he should show other Women the same deference and respect that he shows his Wife, addressing them as Ma’am, and so on.After he’s been initiated into the new realities of an FLR have a “coming out party” for him. Invite a few friends who are aware of your relationship. It will provide him and opportunity to serve and your guests an opportunity to learn.
An effective way of revealing Her authority is for him to ask for her permission – “Yes, i’d love to have a drink after work, let me call my Wife to see if it’s OK.” Women will love you for such a response; men will be knocked off their feet! This is one to be used when you want to turn in your “man card,” publicly embrace your Wife’s authority, or renounce patriarchy.
Eventually men in an FLR get to the point where they are very comfortable with revealing Womanly authority and have no compunction about doing so.
–d