0 HÉLÈNE: ANSWERS TO SOME COMMENTS

There have been some interesting reader questions about my last posting. Here are my responses for three of the questions. I will respond to the others when my work week calms down a little.

Q. What are your basic beliefs on Female led Relationships?

I believe FLRs are an invaluable relationship model and can be structured any way the woman pleases, and that any man can be encouraged into a Female Led Relationship. Men have been confused about their ability to lead about how much they need to lead, and as things turn back around to a better spot, it will take them time to adjust to a new, more appropriate role. Some men might put up a fight, they might not understand everything that happens, but ultimately, if a positive image for the obedient male can be reinforced in their life, it will become easier for them to adjust to a subordinate role, and they will start to see that women are, in general, better and more understanding leaders. It's important to be patient with men while they make this transition.

Q. How did you come by them [i.e., your basic beliefs]?

I think I always held beliefs about LFA (Loving Female Authority). I grew up with a mother who, though a housewife, exercised complete control at home, and I began disciplining my male cousins, both older and younger. Ever since it has been my dream to have exactly what I want in a relationship, and when I met my little man I found the perfect match. He loves me so much he will do anything to please me, and that is just what I want.

Q. How did you train your boy?

Because we met when he was so young and naive, it was easy to coax out of him those submissive states it takes forever to coax out of other men. When we resumed our relationship (after my return to France from school), he had picked up all sorts of bad habits from other women. For women hoping to elicit a more docile and obedient companion, I have some ideas. (By the way, it would be great to hear from others on the forum, what they do or what their women do to encourage submissive behavior.)

Be firm and confident in your leadership. Women often use questions when talking to men – why??? Use STATEMENTS, and statements only. If you feel uncertain about your leadership, volunteer—not only are you helping a community or cause, but you are also stimulating your decision making and leadership qualities. In my line of work I am virtually self-employed, and if you don't have confidence in your leadership skills, you are lost. Be confident that you are always right, and let your man know that you are, and that he must back down and be obedient. Men respect power, they only understand strength. If you have weaknesses, or an unclear vision, do NOT show it. Do what you're going to do and stick to your decisions at all times! ALL TIMES!

Have a solution in mind. In keeping with the above, do not discuss with your man what his change of behaviour will be—tell him what his change in behaviour will be. “Do this...” It helps. Sometimes be gentle, sometimes stern.

Praise him when he concedes in an argument. I ruffle his hair, pat him on the cheek, and sometimes pat him on his bottom when he has conceded, talking to him gently and telling him, “See, that wasn't so bad,” or something else. Sometimes I say, randomly, “You've been so good lately.”

Encourage him to focus on other things while you take care of the main problems. I never share my problems with my boy, I use other things to distract him. I tell him to do the laundry, the dishes, make the beds, go for a walk, go play some music, or to do something else while I fix the problem. Sometimes he argues, like when we had the rent problem, but I snap my finger and tell him to “get distracted.” He knows what that means.

Infantilize. I love infantilizing my boy. It makes me feel so amorous towards him. I remind him that he really doesn't know what he's doing, or all the facts of the matter, and he shouldn't worry about them. “Now, now,” I say, “I know this is difficult for you, so why don't you go take care of those dishes/that dinner/go read, and I'll figure it out.” Keep in mind that men are, in general, seven years behind women in their emotional growth. They need leadership and guidance, and they should understand they need to be told what to do. It will help them adjust to their roles.

Praise his submissive qualities when he demonstrates them, at random. Tell him, “See, you are so much more enjoyable to be around when you stick to what you're good at...” “I love it when you are relaxed, instead of that argumentative, jerk way when you argue.” “Why do you argue with me all the time?”

My boy is more of an affection guy. He loves to be loved, to know he is giving pleasure. I touch him gently, I kiss him, I tell him how handsome he is, then I deliberately stop listening to him, and get my way. As much as I have used punishment, as I have well documented, I use gentility as much as firmness to show him where he belongs.

One of the things I think men have a right to is the ability to do what they should with everything they need. Giving him gifts of housewares, encouraging him to look around his kitchen or the house and tell me what he needs, helps him accomplish his housework and helps reinforce where he belongs.