Nancy’s original Obedience post (“Toward a Lifelong Female-Led Marriage: Obedience” ) was directed at Women. This post is a refresher of sorts and is directed at men.
Obedience, it’s the first and most important of the four tenets of an FLR. It is the key to domestic bliss! Obey your Wife without hesitation and you can expect domestic tranquility and happiness. Disobey Her and there will likely be unpleasant consequences.
In workshops we conduct for couples embarking on an FLR we encourage Women to demand obedience and put the necessary structures in place to get it. Why? Well, there are a number of reasons:
First, Women are intellectually and emotionally superior to men. They are also more benevolent in their leadership. Women are the superior sex and deserve to be in control.
Second, men behave better when specific rules and responsibilities are put in place for them to follow – men love structure and Women should give it to them.
Third, Women are increasingly in charge in the business world. Why should they surrender
their considerable and expanding authority when they return home? They shouldn’t! Rather they should carry their workplace authority seamlessly into their home life.
Fourth, households run smoother with Women in charge, and tranquil households are what we all want.
Fifth, and i know i will be criticized for this, but we firmly believe that men – today’s men – have to atone for patriarchy’s ill-gotten gains; obedience to Women and complete respect for their authority are a good start on the road to atonement...
Couples contemplating an FLR know this and understand that in such a relationship She makes the decisions, controls the money, sets the social agenda, assigns the chores, makes the rules and enforces them. his job? Simply to obey! Her decisions are not subject to debate; they are final! Women relish the leadership role and in our experience don’t hesitate to press their innate authority. Many men, on the other hand, conditioned by patriarchy, have some hesitation when initially confronted with a suddenly demanding Wife. She needs to quell his hesitation.
Here are some things for Women and enlightened gentlemen to do, based on my own experiences in Nancy’s family where Her Grandmother, Joan, and Mother, Sue, and others conditioned me to the need for obedience:
Remind yourself of your inferiority as a man and of the superiority of Women; i use notes and stickers as reminders. When i was leaning to obey when first introduced to Nancy’s family, each Woman and some of the men(!) reminded me of the superiority of Women and of my own inferiority. Joan, Sue, and Nancy would write “Women Rule and men drool” using lipstick on mirrors and on my windshield; sexy to be sure, but i really understood the underlying message!
Wear an apron; it’s practical in many ways but also calls out his subservient status; Joan
admonished me to wear a “pretty” apron as it multiplied the impact. My wearing an apron has been mandatory from the start.
Use honorifics. Ma’am is always acceptable; “Yes, Ma’am” is one of my favorite sayings, one that excites me and honors the Woman to whom it is directed. Make it your business to learn Women’s preferences for address and use them. Or men can experiment by using different honorifics: “My Queen,” “Madame,” “Lady” with Her last name (i.e., “Lady Gannon”) come to mind. All convey deference and respect and acknowledge the higher status of Women. Progressive gentlemen report excitement in using such terms.
Don’t limit the use of honorifics; i recommend “Ma’am” when addressing any Woman, at home of course, but also in public and at work. “Good morning, Ma’am”; “Yes, Ma’am.” These show respect and courtesy. “Ma’am” works well in all situations, and i would use it exclusively outside the home.
"Hear and do": The Women in Nancy’s family initially put me in situations where i was always getting requests or told to do things. Joan called it “Hear and do,” and it was great training. It taught me to hear a request, acknowledge it, and carry it out; and it taught me to love taking orders. While i understand that it’s not at all practical to constantly get orders from the Women, my doing so, especially during this initial period, made it second nature.Set up rules. As noted above, it’s just not practical for Women to constantly be giving direction. In Nancy’s family we have an elaborate set or protocols and schedules that prescribe what i should be doing and how things are to be done. There’s a day to do ironing, laundry, and grocery shopping and a documented way that things should be done. Things happen automatically with little imposition on the Women. Obedience isn’t just listening to what She orders. It’s also following the protocols She has prescribed. With deference to Her, work with your Wife to develop similar rules. It will lighten or eliminate Her burden in managing your work.
Listen to Her. This doesn’t mean obeying Her – men know to do that – but rather to quietly listen to Her conversations – with permission, of course, no snooping! Women’s conversation should be regarded as private unless you are informed otherwise! But by listening to Her you can anticipate Her needs and move to fulfill them before She asks – now that’s obedience! And fantastic personal service, too! If, for example, She says She’s thirsty, you can rush to get Her favorite drink. Beyond this, listening to Her will help you learn Women’s perspectives and opinions and thus be a better man.For Women: There are things that a Woman should be doing to ensure that Her husband is an obedient and acquiescent spouse:
Instruct him– make sure he understands Your expectations and any protocols You’ve established.
NEVER say “Please,” Ladies! You are entitled to have Your requests fulfilled and he is privileged to fulfill them. And there’s absolutely no need for “thank you” once Your request is filled.
Have him use “Ma’am”or whatever honorific You prefer. ALWAYS!Set up household rules as above. Complying with the rules is the same as his complying with Your orders, and it’s far less burdensome to You. If it’s in the rules and he doesn’t comply then, consequences are due.
Raise Your voice. It helps to periodically reestablish Your authority by raising Your voice. Nancy and Sue do this from time to time to keep me on my toes. Learn to love releasing Your ‘inner Bitch.” men love Bitches – be one!
Exercise Your authority. Have him do things because You can. Give him an opportunity to serve you – men LOVE serving Women! Nancy and Her Mother periodically send me on little excursions. Going across town for a specific brand of cigarettes at 3:00 a.m., for example...
Finally, there’s a little sheet with phrases on it that serve as thoughtful reminders. Nancy’s Grandmother, Joan, dictated them to me years ago as reminders that I could post in key places. Today i have them on a small sheet of pink paper as She instructed and place them on mirrors, on my phone, on my computer. As She ordered i recite these phrases a few times a day, as a tribute to Joan. Here they are:
§ She says, you do!
§ She commands, you comply!
§ She decides, you abide!
§ She rules, you obey!
§ She speaks, you listen!
§ She requests, you fulfill!
§ She instructs, you learn!
§ She orders, you acquiesce!
§ She leads, you follow!