But what if he were out with a group of guys all of whom were in female-led relationships? What if the guys he’s spending time with love their wives and, better still, love their wives being in charge? What if the guys getting together actually reinforces everyone’s commitments to an FLR? Your man comes home better than when he left! Intriguing possibilities! And great nights out!Guys in FLRs and with strong feminist leanings need a support group, too. Aside from infrequent workshops for men in FLRs, men simply don’t have any other males to talk to or share experiences with on a regular basis. Discussions about his wife’s being in charge of the household and him being in a submissive role aren’t going to be taking place at the local bar. Yet there are increasing numbers of men in the lifestyle who need to have such discussions; men who need reinforcement, encouragement, and new ideas.
Through a journal entry I proposed the idea of “guy socials” to my mother-in-law, Sue, and through her, to my wife, Nancy. Sue carried the idea forward, speaking with a few wives. Some were skeptical; they had had many bad experiences with men’s night out. So our first task was to figure out how to eliminate the possibilities for bad behavior to the satisfaction of these women.Tom, a personal friend also in an FLR, and I—with the help of Nancy’s mother—decided that putting appropriate rules in place would make these socials possible. The more rules the better, it was decided, in order to address any situation that might arise.
Now we’re not talking about some impromptu party here. Rather, it’s about socials—well-planned, wife-approved, woman-supervised get-togethers with an organized agenda and proper decorum. It may be guys’ night out, but women are in control; and all of us—women and men—want it that way!
So we put together some rules and reviewed them with the wives:
- Guy socials are limited to once a month.
- The socials are, for the time being, limited to a group of six men in female-led marriages. Should the group expand in the future, it will be progressive gentlemen only and only with the women’s approval! No one wants to debate the merits of feminism or of FLRs with outsiders; the intent is to reinforce FLRs, not undermine the good work couples have been doing in promoting the lifestyle.
- Socials are on the man’s time and will not detract from other work he has to do; a man’s work at home is always the priority.
- Women approve of the socials’ agenda.
- The woman who chaperones at the event will ensure that the social follows the agenda; she can modify that agenda as she sees fit.
- Invitations are sent to the woman, not the man. “Dear Ms. Smith, the presence of your husband is requested at a social to take place at the home of etc…” The invitation goes on to describe the planned event and concludes with, “Please give your permission or your regrets by returning the enclosed card.”
- The man must have his wife’s permission to attend, and we must have her RSVP for him to do so. A man’s not being permitted to attend a social doesn’t endanger his future participation. After all, a woman in charge is what we are all committed to. If anything, denial might be considered a badge of honor and an outward manifestation of a commitment to the lifestyle. As progressive gentlemen, all of us have had to say “my wife won’t let me” from time to time and think nothing of it whether speaking with someone in the lifestyle or with someone at work.
- Women always have an invitation to attend and participate in men’s night out and never have to RSVP their intent to attend.
- The social will always accommodate women attendees; women can steer discussion topics during the social if they so desire or they can plan an entirely different event. In advance of one of our meetings the women decided we’d all attend a local theater; and that was guy’s night out, and an enjoyable one, I might add!
- Women are honored guests and treated accordingly. Men take turns serving women attendees.
- Meetings are planned at least eight weeks in advance; there are no impromptu husband socials.
- Activities and discussion topics for the meeting must be submitted in advance for review and approval; women have the right to changes or modify the event at any time.
- Women approve of the social’s venue; a man’s home is best if his wife approves; the women frown on restaurants and bars and do not permit meetings at such places, although the ballet or theater is okay.
- At least one woman is to be in attendance at these socials and act as chaperone; if circumstances arise where no women can attend a social, then it is canceled.
- Men clean up after a social.
- We discuss a variety of topics and always have an agenda for the meeting included with the invitation. Invitees may be asked to review a book, story, or issue in preparation for the social. This leads to some great discussions. Topics to date? On the serious side, Feminist issues and women in the workplace topics as well as lighter fare such as “Your best housekeeping tips.” We also had a wine and cheese social and went as a group to the ballet. We’ve had a Feminist speaker and plan to have other women guests present other topics in the future.
So how does it all work? Well, thanks to the rules and women’s oversight, very well. We’ve had some great socials, and we’ve done it without burdening any of the women. Those women who attended in order to provide oversight have all enjoyed the time.
Tom, a longtime personal friend, and I take turns hosting the meetings largely due to our central location. Our first meeting was a wine and cheese social. Darlene, one of the wives, decided to attend because she was very skeptical. Initially thinking the gathering was intended to be for “men only,” she said, “If the guys don’t want women to attend, then it shouldn’t be happening.” We agreed and assured her that women had an open invitation and that any social without a female chaperone would be canceled. While other wives were also hesitant at first, Darlene’s decision to attend and Nancy’s mother being home to supervise the event allayed any fears they may have had.
It’s been great ever since, with women attending every meeting. The guys always prepare and serve some light fare and keep the ladies happy with good wine, great coffee and involvement in the discussion. It’s interesting (but certainly not surprising) the role reversal we have here. The women are all
successful career women and disengage when the men start talking housekeeping. Twenty years ago, it would be the opposite. At a recent meeting where the topic was housekeeping tips, the women were visibly bored and drifted to another room to “talk business”; we males kept their coffee cups full and continued with our discussions.
What’s next? A number of things are in the works, some of which will help the guys with holiday shopping. We are also excited about our next social in a few weeks on Ikebana, Japanese flower arranging. Ikebana is about beautifying one’s home, a topic of interest in our male group.
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