Au876 on Financial Control, Part 2:
Did He Give Up Control, or Did She Simply Take It?
In our relationship I never have any thoughts now about what control I will give her or not. I can't recall that I ever did. She took control and I learned that submitting to her was pleasurable, rewarding and fulfilled me as a man.
A few of us have posted saying we draw the line at financial control. My wife did not give me that choice. She took financial control, she did not ask for it. However, if she controls you and you control the money, then that means she has simply delegated this to you. The wife should take control, control of all matters and the husband should obey her in all matters. She then decides what non-supervised responsibilities he is capable of and can handle as well as responsibilities that require supervision. And she gives them to him at her pleasure. All issues of control are for the woman to decide and the man to accept. We have to remember all this is about doing what our wife wants, not what we want. If she wants you to handle the finances, then that is a duty you owe her.
And you are right about the financial control. No, she didn't use physical force. I always have a choice. But if I choose against her will, it means no sexual release for six months. I have resisted twice and suffered through that. I did not resist her financial control. She is much more capable than I am and we are much better off with her in control. I understand what you are alluding too and all relationships will be different. However in my opinion it is the Wife who decides what the path for the husband will be. He can't "top from the bottom". We can discuss it, wonder about it, and use our intellect to create but in the end it is the Wife who lays down the path for the husband to follow.
Power of Attorney
You may want to consider a power of attorney. All couples should have one each for the other anyway. Both of us have signed one. I have a complete power of attorney to act in all matters on behalf of my wife. She has the same from me. We keep them in a safety deposit box. Should she become disabled, I can act on her behalf, and, of course, the same is true in reverse.
Yes, I could get the power of attorney and do as I pleased even while she is in good health. But I never would touch it without her permission or unless she became disabled. If I did, it would be the last thing I did as a married man. But it protects both of us should the need arise.
As between you and your wife, I do suggest you execute a power of attorney in her favor over all of your affairs. This gives her absolute and complete control. She can use it as she sees fit and never needs your permission for anything she wants to do. You should also be getting everything into her name alone. But before doing so, you may want to check with an attorney to make sure (depending on your assets) that you don't lose your estate exception in the event of your death because you don't have anything in your estate. That can be worked out, especially if your wife has power of attorney over any assets in your name.
Who Pays?
If we go to a fast food place, she studies the menu overhead a second, tells me what she wants, hands me money (usually a ten or twenty) and goes to take a seat. I order, get the food and bring to her. I give her the change. Sometimes she tells me to keep it or at least a portion of it. Like if she gave me a twenty and the meal was seven dollars or so, she may just take the ten and let me have the rest.
When we go to any type sit-down-and-order place to eat, we almost always pay by credit card. I take the check, look it over, add on the tip and give it to my wife who signs and gives it back to me.
As for ordering, I take my cue from her. We study the menu together. The waiter/waitress of course always asks for her order first. She gives her order. Sometimes she goes ahead and orders for me with no comment. Sometimes she asks me if I want her to order for me. I have never dared say no in front of the waiter.
Sometimes she places her order and stops. The waiter turns to me and I place my order. About half the time when I do this she will say something like, “I don't think you will like that, why don't you try so and so?” If she says that, I try what she suggests because I know she wants to sample it. If we are having wine, she always orders that.
We have been doing it this way for years. Any time we eat out, it is a pleasure for me, no cooking, no cleaning up and etc. I just take my cue from her and go with it. If we are in a real fancy upbeat place, especially if it is French or something, she always orders for both of us after we have looked over the menu together. I have a hard time even understanding some of the menu items and am grateful she does this. She knows what I like.
All this seems very normal to me. I am certainly comfortable with it. The main thing for me is to do what she wants and be a gentleman about it.
Advice and Encouragement
Until you get married, it is my opinion you should not give your girlfriend control of your finances. It is ok, even good, for her to be made fully aware of them and even to approve or disapprove of expenditures. You can heed her advice or not. But if you want to do it, then do it. If she is after your money, she will get it and dispose of you soon enough. Be prepared for that. It could really hurt. For now maybe it is best that you let her teach and guide you in financial matters. Try your best to abide by her advice and wishes. Learn from her. When you get married give yourself and all you have to her control. Once you get married it (in my opinion) changes. If she wants control of the finances, she should have it. I have never regretted (well not true) my wife having absolute financial control. It gives her a tremendous amount of power over me but I trust her and I respect the power she has. I would not want it any other way. If she takes over, I hope it is something you really want. Believe me, it will give her control that you may at times wish she didn't have and it will put you at her mercy more than you know. But, overall, I firmly recommend it.
Do you have plans to turn over financial control to her? Looks like all the other husbands here still have some if not all control in this area except for me. However, I strongly agree with all the comments that say you should handle them as your wife wants to, not as you want to.
Surrendering Too Much, Going Too Far?
All my money goes directly into her personal checking account. I have no access to it. In our state if a spouse dies the other gets a year’s support from the estate without the worry of probate or anything else.
About signing your house over to your wife. You may be able to do that without a lawyer. All you need is a quick claim deed. Sign it over then go to the court house and have it recorded. When I had to sign mine over to my wife, she did have a lawyer friend of hers provide her with the deed. I signed it and we both went to the courthouse to record it. It has been several years but it was not difficult or expensive at all. I know a few on this site disagree, but I think the wife having full and final financial control of all assets is very important. You can't be fully submissive if you can control any aspect of the finances. It is a tough thing to give up but the feeling of being completely under her authority is well worth it.
I think if I had been "screwed" by an ex-wife or two, I would certainly take steps to protect myself. I also acknowledge my wife could "screw" me. If she does I know I wouldn't let any other woman do it again if I could help it. But I have total trust in her, total. How do you handle your finances or does your wife control that also? From what I have seen posted I am one of the few men here who seem to have no actual control in this area and am forced to live on whatever allowance my wife decides is best for me.
Yes, she could take everything we have. In my mind it all belongs to her anyway. She is free to do as she pleases with it. If she took it all and left me, I could survive. I trust her to do right by me. If she doesn't, it is because she doesn't want to. That is her decision. I will live by it.
Let’s face it, odds are you will die before your wife, most men do. You do not want her to be alone with no experience in finances. Even men who are not man enough to submit to their wives should arrange to have them in control of the money or at least equal partners so she will be able to carry on.
Yes, money is power. If your wife controls it, she has that power. You have to trust her. I do. But she does as she pleases with the money. Most of the time I don't even know what that is. My biggest financial problem is trying to figure a way to get an extra $5 a week for my allowance and to avoid her reducing it if I fail to please her. I consider myself lucky to have such a small problem.
Final Thoughts
If your wife does not want complete financial control, you should not force it. The idea is to do what she wants. But regardless, it should evolve to where you don't spend any money other than your allowance without her approval. Meanwhile, she should evolve to the point where she knows she need not ask or seek your permission for anything.
We have to remember all this is about doing what our wife wants, not what we want. If she wants you to handle the finances, then that is a duty you owe her.
If your wife wants you to handle the finances, then your doing so is part of your submission to her will. In any marriage one partner is usually better suited to handling the money and that partner should be the one who has most of the responsibility (provided the wife wants it that way). If your wife wants you to handle the finances, you should.
I personally don't think any freedom you give up to favor your wife and increase your service to her should be left to fantasy. Move forward in your submission and don't be afraid to give her all the control she wants.
(End of Two-Part Posting)